Life seems to be a somewhat meaningless chaotic string of events. Rushing from one place to the next, always waiting, always thinking ahead, never fully present. Finding meaning and purpose in such a distraction filled world was never going to be easy, but I have to try. Otherwise what else is left?
Somewhere tangled in this chaos that fills our cities, are our individual lives. I find the most common emotion that ties them together is pain. No one ever seems to understand its reasons or its injustice, but it has a way of touching all of us. I like to think that suffering is a trail, a lesson, rather than destiny. What I never fully understood was what that lesson was and why I needed to learn it.
Maybe this world is made to break us and we are meant to find our happiness and ourselves in them broken pieces. Maybe we were never meant to be whole and our lives were never meant to be perfect. It is only after losing everything and everyone, in that deafening silence, that we can see who we really are. Maybe that is the point of it all. We can finally listen to our hearts and what they have been trying to tell us. Whatever ideas we had before of who we were supposed to be or what our lives were supposed to consist of, maybe they weren’t that true after all. And maybe pain is just a way of leading us to the truth.
I have been broken so many times, again and again I returned to darkness and wondered why I had to endure so much. What had I ever done to deserve this? Had I not always tried to be a good person? Somehow I was finally able to sit in silence with my broken heart and accept that even if this is all this life grants me with, that is ok. That is what is meant to be. It’s ok to be broken. I will be able to live with that. I will find my way. It doesn’t really matter what happened or if I never expected my life to be like this. Ironically, only with the acceptance that all I have is myself and my shattered pieces, life got better. Only then I found peace.
My lesson was to not chase after a complete and ideal life but rather to understand that life will perfect itself after we make peace with where and who we are. It does not matter how low that place is or how far away it is from where we want to be. Accept it, without blame, without hatred.
I no longer look for ways to fill my life, but rather I fill what I do with life. My little heart that I so often ignored now beats a little stronger. I have learnt to take care of myself, to respect myself. At the end of the day, when everyone leaves, that is all I am left with. It is easy to feel loved in the light, when everything is going good, but when the darkness comes even our shadows abandon us. Unless I can survive that darkness by myself, I will never find peace in this world.
Reorganising the pieces that this life broke me into, re-defining myself in light of that and trusting that suffering, like everything else, is merely a phase, this is how I find meaning. Struggle is inevitable. Our lives will be shaped only by how we react to the emptiness that remains when everything we love is taken from us. What personal meaning we give to that. If we turn the pain into bitterness and anger or into kindness. It takes courage to be gentle. It takes an incredible amount of strength to be soft after being through such harshness, but this is how beautiful people are made. Even just to believe that not all pain comes to destroy us is hard, but we have to hope. As long as there is hope, there is life.