Day 4 of a 100 day healing challenge.
One of the things that I have observed recently is that I constantly judge myself. Why have I not yet achieved this? Why did I take it easy today instead of working towards some of my goals? Why do I behave like this?
This is a negative spiral that goes in the opposite direction of self love. I should praise myself for how hard I try and not be so hard on myself for the results I do not yet see.
Without self appreciation, you start to look for appreciation and acceptance from others. Sometimes this works and it does feel good. The problem with this habit is that when our worth is based on the ever changing external world, it will eventually begin to fade. People come and go, events come and go. Basing all of your worth on them will mean that this feeling of worth will eventually disappear too. You will never be enough because the measurement scale keeps changing. Not to mention the stress of constantly having to keep up.
This also creates a constant fear of being wrong. As our self worth and love depend on being right and being accepted, making mistakes can bring serious amounts of pain or low self-esteem. You need to realise that you do not need to be perfect. That is not why you are here. You are here to try, to mess up and to try again; to be human. There is so much beauty in that. Stop looking for perfection in yourself and in your life. It does not exist. Being flawed, being broken, falling, making so many mistakes and then falling in love with all these pieces; isn’t it so beautifully human this kind of love?
Lastly, I need to forgive myself. Making a bad decision does not always equal being a bad person. You make choices with the understanding, awareness and knowledge at that current time. It is not your fault if you did not have the broader understanding that you have now. There is nothing else you could have done in that specific time. The fact that you realise that something is wrong, you think about it, means that there is light in your heart. That is enough to not define yourself with what happened.
Self love is not believing that you are perfect. It is realising that you are not and being perfectly fine with that.
Your little heart does not need to be torn apart, walked over and thrown away in exchange for temporary acceptance. It is enough as it is. You are enough as you are. And that is where beauty lies.