It seemed that the harder I tried, the more I expected the world to just open for me. As if it were some kind of book, and I could force it to open to understand its contents. I was sure of a deeper meaning and the possibility of a deeper understanding, but I couldn’t seem to find it. I couldn’t accept the fact that I had to look in the ordinary, the daily components of life, to see that meaning. Or that maybe as little humans we are not able to fully grasp the immensity of this understanding from our limited perspective. This is dangerous as it can then lead to the un-appreciation of life in its current form. How many opportunities go unnoticed in life because we are trying to go beyond them? To find something more? Yes, we are vessels for beautiful souls, but we are also beautiful people. In this world, in this life, in this society. Extreme caution must be maintained if we neglect ourselves in the search for a higher meaning, for in the end we are that meaning.
If I have learnt anything, it is that if you focus on loving your life and making it beautiful, you will learn what you require along the way. You don’t have it all together yet, nor do you have to. You don’t have the perfect plan to save yourself and others, nor do you have to. But you are trying, and that, you have to.
I now want to go beyond fear, but also beyond hope. Beyond beliefs into truth. I don’t want to project my wishes onto the world or people, I want to stand face to face with its true essence. How can you change something if you do not see it? If we project our hopes and beliefs onto people or situations, then we risk blinding ourselves from their truth. Without that truth, any decision to act or react will be based on distortion, hence starting a spiral of confusion. Also, we risk staying in situations that are damaging to us or slowing our growth, if we put on our magical glasses and assume everything is beautiful. You have to allow yourself to see the truth of your life and your surroundings to be able to make an accurate judgement of what needs to be changed. Only then can we decide which direction to go in. Do you love truth enough that you are willing to rebuild your understanding of life from it?
The essence of life is not perfection, or goodness, or some magical formula. I find it to be a messy combination of all that we are, all that we feel, all that is. In its own way, that is beautiful.